22+ hour, 40+ min ago  (223+ words) SACRAMENTO, CA " After being accused of multiple counts of sexual assault, Representative Eric Swalwell issued a fierce denial today, insisting that he never assaulted any of the Chinese spies he slept with. Swalwell, who is currently campaigning for Governor of…...

23+ hour, 1+ min ago  (177+ words) KANSAS CITY, MO " Kansas City Royals manager Matt Quatraro pinned the team's loss on local fan Jim Greller, who failed to put on his lucky socks today. After losing 0-2 to the Chicago White Sox, Quatraro looked up accusingly to section…...

1+ day, 22+ hour ago  (216+ words) ANAHEIM, CA " During Thursday night's hockey game between the San Jose Sharks and Anaheim Ducks, one lucky fan reportedly created a lifelong memory when he caught a foul tooth. "It looks like that tooth is going south for the winter!...

1+ day, 23+ hour ago  (215+ words) LAKE JACKSON, TX " After nearly nine days without a fully functioning toilet, the crew of NASA's Artemis II mission changed course from splashing down off the coast of California and instead headed straight for a Buc-ee's. Artemis pilot Victor Glover…...

1+ day, 23+ hour ago  (232+ words) WASHINGTON, D. C. " With the nation concerned about becoming involved in another never-ending conflict, President Trump assured Americans that U. S. troops would only remain deployed until the Middle East was at peace. Rifts in Trump's coalition emerged over his decision to attack Iran,…...

2+ day, 19+ hour ago  (149+ words) SAN FRANCISCO, CA " The San Francisco Giants unveiled their new City Connect jerseys today with a nod to the feces makes the city so unique. Fans have embraced the new jerseys, which appear to essentially be a heavy cotton poop…...

2+ day, 20+ hour ago  (161+ words) If you haven't heard, Canada has officially dropped a new acronym for the LGBT movement with many, many new additions. The LGBT community in Canada is now: It's quite the mouthful, so to get you up to speed, here are…...

2+ day, 21+ hour ago  (207+ words) JERUSALEM " After definitively declaring that he would not believe in Jesus' resurrection unless he saw and touched him, the Apostle Thomas was completely humiliated to learn that Jesus was right behind him the whole time. "I'm just saying, we need…...

2+ day, 23+ hour ago  (206+ words) CHARLESTON, SC " After returning from the frontlines of the war in Iran, a local drone has found itself struggling to adapt back to a civilian life of delivering Amazon packages. Like so many soldiers before, the drone has felt a…...

2+ day, 23+ hour ago  (197+ words) Iranian leaders finally admitted they could not even speak English and were simply nodding along in agreement whenever Marco Rubio said something. "Our translator was sick that day," said Iranian envoy Mohamad Muhamed. "Honest misunderstanding." However, in spite of reassurances…...