News
Saint Peter Gently Asks Chuck Norris To Stop Roundhouse Kicking The Cherubim
1+ hour, 23+ min ago (204+ words) HEAVEN " After several incidents over the course of his first day in paradise, Chuck Norris was pulled aside by Saint Peter and gently asked to please stop roundhouse kicking the cherubim. With vanquished cherubim strewn about the streets of Heaven,…...
Man Smokes Cigar In Desperate Hope To Feel Sick And Become Unattractive To Wife
2+ hour, 59+ min ago (205+ words) HOUSTON, TX " Local man Matthew Coggins lit up a cigar this afternoon in a bid to feel terribly nauseous while simultaneously causing his wife to find him utterly repulsive. With his stomach feeling perfectly normal as he enjoyed a nice…...
10 Ways To Honor Chuck Norris
23+ hour, 2+ min ago (271+ words) Action hero and martial arts master Chuck Norris has departed from this world to fight supernatural forces in the place beyond space. As we look back upon his life, each of us should honor his memory in the best way…...
Confirmed: In His Final Days, Charlie Kirk Came To Agree With Whatever You Believe
23+ hour, 33+ min ago (185+ words) U.S. " Following an extensive study that involved gathering information from all internet users, influencers, and podcasters, it has been officially confirmed that, in his final moments, Charlie Kirk affirmed whatever you believe. Though arguments vary regarding where Kirk stood on a…...
California Abandons $250 Billion Study On Why It Has So Many Unfinished Projects
1+ day, 32+ min ago (237+ words) SACRAMENTO, CA " California's $250 billion study looking into why it has so many unfinished projects was abandoned while only half-finished, the governor's office confirmed Friday. Governor Gavin Newsom shuttered the project, citing concerns that it had gone dramatically over budget and…...
Local Man Likes His Coffee Cold, With Milk, Just Like A Little Baby
1+ day, 1+ hour ago (264+ words) SEATTLE, WA " According to sources, local man Richard Stevenson prefers to take his coffee cold and with milk like a little baby. While grown men are widely known to drink black coffee, insiders confirmed that Stevenson likes to have copious…...
Local Man Like His Coffee Cold, With Milk, Just Like A Little Baby
1+ day, 1+ hour ago (262+ words) SEATTLE, WA " According to sources, local man Richard Stevenson prefers to take his coffee cold and with milk like a little baby. While grown men are widely known to drink black coffee, insiders confirmed that Stevenson likes to have copious…...
Theologians Believe Every Meal In Heaven Is Ice Cream In A Miniature Baseball Helmet
1+ day, 1+ hour ago (232+ words) NOTRE DAME, IN " After a thought-provoking roundtable discussion, theologians at the University of Notre Dame concluded that every meal in Heaven is most likely ice cream in a miniature baseball helmet. "It makes the most sense," said Dr. Albert Wilhelm,…...
Newsom Allocates $900 Million For Black Bear Porta-Potties
1+ day, 2+ hour ago (302+ words) SACRAMENTO, CA " Governor Gavin Newsom announced the signing of an executive order that allocates over $900 million of additional funding to the California Department of Parks and Recreation for the purpose of setting up porta-potties for black bears. According to the…...
'Fear Not!' Says Chuck Norris To Calm Trembling Angels
1+ day, 3+ hour ago (187+ words) HEAVEN " A group of seraphim guarding the gates of Heaven was terrified yesterday by the sudden appearance of legendary martial artist and action star Chuck Norris, who passed into glory at the earthly age of 86. "Fear not!" Norris reportedly said…...