News
RED ALERT: Your Toddler Can Now Reach The Counter
9+ hour, 42+ min ago (158+ words) RED ALERT! Everything you once believed is a lie. Your toddler is now capable of reaching your counters, and nothing in your home is safe anymore. "Who needs to baby-proof? Babies can't even move," you once said. How naive you…...
ICE Agents Disguise Themselves As Capitol Police So Democrats Will Defend Them
9+ hour, 54+ min ago (193+ words) MINNEAPOLIS, MN " According to witnesses, federal ICE agents shifted their tactics slightly by donning Capitol Police uniforms so that Democrats would start defending them from being harmed. "I wish we had thought of this sooner," one ICE officer was heard…...
Democrats Warn Of Chilling Effect Voter ID Will Have On Rigged Elections
11+ hour, 44+ min ago (228+ words) WASHINGTON, D.C. " In a bold defense of democracy, Democrats warned Americans about the chilling effect voter ID laws could have on rigged elections. According to Democrat leadership, voter ID laws are cruel, unconstitutional, and could deny the basic human right of…...
Tucker Carlson Dumbfounded Why Iranians Protesting Most Amazing Government On Planet
11+ hour, 55+ min ago (255+ words) U.S. " Political commentator Tucker Carlson expressed confusion after learning that the Iranian people were protesting their own government, saying he was absolutely dumbfounded as to why they would rebel against the greatest government on the planet. "Iran is among the greatest…...
Somalis Demand Americans Stop Judging Them By The Content Of Their Character
12+ hour, 21+ min ago (178+ words) MINNEAPOLIS, MN " Representatives of the Somali community issued a statement demanding that Americans stop judging them by the content of their character. The statement further asserts that their skin color and national origin should entitle them to infinite respect. "Yes,…...
Democrats Say Things Would Be Much Safer If Law Enforcement Would Just Stop Trying To Enforce The Law
14+ hour, 25+ min ago (220+ words) WASHINGTON, D.C. " Following recent ICE-related shootings, Democrat leaders stepped forward to remind the nation that everything would be much safer if law enforcement would just stop enforcing the law. According to Democrat lawmakers, the recent spate of violence and rioting could…...
Anthropologists Discover Uncontacted Tribe In Remote Area Of IKEA
1+ day, 9+ hour ago (235+ words) COSTA MESA, CA " A team of anthropologists hard at work completing a field study announced that they had discovered a previously uncontacted native tribe in a remote area of IKEA. The small village looked to have been tucked away in…...
With Maduro In Custody, Here Are 7 Other People Trump Should Arrest Immediately
1+ day, 10+ hour ago (176+ words) President Donald Trump ordered the arrest of Venezuelan President Nicol's Maduro, toppling a brutal totalitarian regime. But he's only getting started. The Babylon Bee consulted with experts at the FBI, CIA, NSA, and DMV to compile the following list of…...
Tim Walz Calls In Somali Military To Fight Against ICE
1+ day, 11+ hour ago (229+ words) MINNEAPOLIS, MN " Governor Tim Walz took decisive action to back up his aggressive rhetoric against federal immigration operations in his state by calling in the Somali Armed Forces to assist in the fight against ICE. "They're the most potent fighting…...
Teenager Confused How Parents Still Don't Know Everything When It Only Took Him 16 Years
1+ day, 11+ hour ago (217+ words) SALT LAKE CITY, UT " Local teen Ethan Gardener expressed confusion this week over how he had managed to learn everything in only 16 years, while his much-older parents still hadn't figured everything out. Gardener expressed dismay after his mother asked him…...