News
America Finally Interested In Soccer After Realizing How Angry You Can Make Europeans
3+ day, 8+ hour ago (165+ words) U. S. " After years of ignoring the world's most popular sport, Americans finally took a keen interest in soccer after discovering how much it can irritate Europeans. With social media flooded by outraged Europeans crying about having to play the U. S. team at…...
America Offers To Help Cool Off Planet By Opening Windows And Lowering AC To 65
4+ day, 6+ hour ago (31+ words) U. S. " With several areas across the globe battling record high temperatures, Americans have graciously offered to help by turning their air conditioning down to 65 degrees and opening the windows....
Chicago Police Assure Residents Those Loud Popping Noises Are Just Gunshots
5+ day, 11+ hour ago (28+ words) CHICAGO, IL " After fielding a flood of calls complaining of loud popping noises, the Chicago Police Department issued a statement assuring residents that those were just gun shots....
Freedom 250 Now Just Lee Greenwood Singing "God Bless The USA" For 24 Hours Straight
5+ day, 11+ hour ago (34+ words) WASHINGTON, D. C. " Organizers of America's Freedom 250 celebration announced Thursday that the event has been streamlined to consist entirely of Lee Greenwood singing "God Bless the U. S. A." for 24 hours straight....
American Enters Day 3 Of Searching For Exit From Roundabout
6+ day, 5+ hour ago (18+ words) PARIS " American visitor Ben Garfield reportedly entered day three of attempting to find an exit from a roundabout....
Nation Agrees To Let Biden Be President To Hear Him Attempt To Say 'Semiquincentennial"
6+ day, 7+ hour ago (43+ words) WASHINGTON, D. C. " America was in for a treat this holiday weekend, as the nation agreed to allow Joe Biden to be president again for one day during the nation's 250th birthday celebration just to hear him attempt to say the word "semiquincentennial....
Sad: Woman Gives Birth On Border And Now Only Baby's Top Half Is American
1+ week, 7+ hour ago (30+ words) EL PASO, TX " Witnesses reported that a migrant woman gave birth right on the U. S. -Mexico border this morning, sadly making only the top half of the baby American....
Mom Threatens Kids With A Road Trip If They Don't Behave
1+ week, 7+ hour ago (31+ words) BIRMINGHAM, AL " A new technique for managing children was discovered this week, as local woman Sarah Bailey got her kids to behave by threatening them with a fun family road trip....
Mamdani Offers To Cool New Yorkers Down By Sending Them To Siberian Gulag
1+ week, 9+ hour ago (47+ words) NEW YORK, NY " Mayor Zohran Mamdani asked New Yorkers weathering the heatwave to keep their thermostats at a scorching 78 degrees so as not to tax the city's inadequate power grid. Still, Mamdani said he had other ways to cool down…...
Rape Gang Busted In The UK For Illegal Air Conditioner Use
1+ week, 1+ day ago (22+ words) LONDON " A rape gang was busted Wednesday after British police received an anonymous tip that they'd been illegally using an air conditioner....